Lost..

Every time I am alone, generally driving to or from work, I think of everything I want to say and everything I feel.  But once I am home, I cannot remember any of it.. or at least not in the eloquent way previously formed.  I keep thinking that no one wants to know how I feel about the loss of my sister.  That way, everyone can just remember the happy times with her instead of feeling sorry for me.

I do not want pity or sympathy from anyone.. and I cannot stand the looks that I get from people.  I also do not want the looks people give me if they see me not showing feelings about it.  I run through a mixture of emotions daily. Often times, the thought of Danielle brings me to tears.  Other times, I become angry.  I become upset at the thought of thieves and murderers still living and my beautiful, sweet sister being taken away from me.  I feel selfish.  She is in a place where no one can hurt her, where she will never feel any pain or sadness, but simply only happiness and peace.  Heaven is a place where all the love and joy one feels is sent.  She is being surrounded by our family and more love than any of us could ever imagine.  But I still want her here with me.  I do not want to be here if she is not here.

Danielle Marie made this earth beautiful.  Her smile could brighten the darkest of days.  Her hugs could fix any hurt.  And her laugh made you the happiest person in the world.  Without her, nothing is as pretty anymore.  I feel that Danielle has been giving me beautiful sunsets to look toward daily.. as if she is trying to tell me that it is still a wonderful world.  The thing is, it isn't without her here.  In my head I know it is gorgeous just like I used to always think.. but I merely do not feel it anymore.

I keep telling Clay not to take any offense toward what I say.  I just do not want to be here without my sister. I want to be where she is. I want to be with her. I hate the thought of living 60 years without her.  It terrifies me.  She has been my best friend my entire life, has loved me through all my faults, and has been there for me through everything.  What am I supposed to do without her??  

Everyone keeps saying she is still with me.. and I do believe it.  I just wish I could pick up the phone to call her and hear her voice on the other end.  I wish I could send her a random text whenever I felt like it.  I wish I could tell her all about my day and vent to her about anything that upset me.  I miss what I hated the most.  I miss how I should see things a different way and try to understand where the other person was coming from.  She saw the good in everything and everyone.  This is something I wish I could do.  I am very one sided and judgmental.  I admit it now..

I wish we could grow old together and make fun of each others' wrinkles and when we find our first gray hair.  I wish she could meet Homer and spoil him.  I wish she was there in the delivery room with me when Clay and I have our first child, just like we had planned.  She totally freaked out when I told her I wanted her in there but she said she would suck it up, hold my hand, and look away :)   I miss her funny comments, how we could read each others minds, and how she made each and every day better.

I walk through stores and see things that I think she would like.. things that I would have bought for her to surprise her or to help decorate her place.  I see cute picture frames I think she would like.  I see cute outfits I think she would look cute in and start laughing because she would pitch a fit about trying it on.  I feel lost without her..

I do not feel like myself and I wonder if I ever will again.  Everything people see that is happy, goofy, and friendly is generally an act or a cover.  The only times I have actually been happy have been around our parents, family, and closest friends.  Oh, and of course Homer.  I think Danielle would have liked him.. but probably would have been upset that we are not taking Beau with us, since that was what our last phone conversation was about.. besides the storm.

 My sister was the most beautiful person on this earth, inside and out.  She stood up to the biggest bullies and for people she has never met.  She never took anything from anyone.  Instead of being mean toward someone, she said she "killed them with kindness".  She was never mean to anyone and she made everyone feel special. Now, she is the most beautiful angel Heaven has ever known.

It is so hard to believe that she is not here anymore.. I do not want it to be real..
I miss you Danielle and I love you with all my heart